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My excuse for not catching the telemarketer is that I was a little tired, and just didn't come up with a witty way to tell the nice man to go away. But I didn't think of anything, so the guy got to talk to Liz. Fortunately, he just wanted her name for a petition (Save the Horseshoe Crabs! Sure. Why not.), and wasn't trolling for donations or something, so I didn't feel too bad about it.

I can't figure out exactly why telemarketers annoy me so much. There's a couple possible reasons. I don't like being bothered by people while I'm at home relaxing. I hate having to tell people working for perfectly reasonable causes that I don't give money over the phone. And I really hate people who call up, but need a few quick pieces of information, like my Social Security Number and such.

Also, they got obnoxious first. They wouldn't just take "No." for an answer. I'd say "No, thank you" (See? Polite and everything!), and they'd just move along their little conversation flowchart to the "First Negative Response" option, which is the original spiel, slightly re-phrased.

So I started playing mean, too.

After Liz and I got married, anyone calling for Liz Luck got the response that she didn't live there anymore. Once I was in a hurry, and a telemarketer called asking for Elizabeth Luck, and I just screamed that she was dead and hung up. At least they didn't call back.

My favorite response to a telemarketer was the one I gave when AT&T called. Which was the last time AT&T ever called.

I was in the computer room, fiddling around on the computer and the phone rang. I picked it up. "Hello?"

Silence, and then a clicking noise. The telemarketers must not have to dial the numbers themselves anymore. A machine does it, and passes the connection along to a telemarketer once it's established that there's a person on the other end. So I was being passed over. "Hello?"

"Mister Brooks?" the woman on the other end said. "This is Such-And-So with AT&T."

I automatically tuned the rest out. As soon as she had said AT&T, this glorious, ridiculous, marvelous idea for a response to a telemarketer had entered my brain, and my whole mind lit up with it. I actually clenched my teeth together to keep myself from giggling. All I had to do was to wait for her to solicit a response from me.

The spiel continued for another 30 seconds or so (we've got MCI, so it was probably something about switching long distance services), and it probably concluded with something like "... how much do you spend in a month on long distance?"

"I'm sorry," I said. "But we don't have a phone."

Complete silence from the other end of the line for a few beats. My teeth were still clenched together so I wouldn't start cackling like a hyena. "Excuse me?" the woman said.

"We don't have a phone."

A few more moments of silence from the other end of the line. Finally, she said (obviously somewhat befuddled by the response) "Thank you for calling AT&T." And she hung up.

I hung up the phone and scared the cat by yelling "YES!!" I went out and told Liz what I'd done. She thought it was great. But what's even better, is that to this day, I don't think AT&T's called back. And what makes me giggle is the thought that in some AT&T database somewhere, our number is listed as "Do Not Call", with the listed reason "Claims not to have phone."

I won.