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The Glow Theory

Okay, here's the way it all started. A friend was complaining that her boyfriend was able to eat half a tube of cookie dough in one sitting and not gain any weight, and if she were to attempt the same feat, the calories would quickly make themselves at home on various places of her body. WHY?

Simple.

To all women reading this: I am about to give away a secret that for many centuries men have kept hidden away. Have faith in me. I am telling the truth.

To all men reading this: I think it is time we made known the ability that I, and so many others, refer to as "the glow" Join with me on this quest for truth.

To sum up, all men have the innate ability to use excess calories to agitate their dermal molecules to the point where they emit light. The negative side-effect to this is that the light energy emitted is slightly radioactive. Fortunately, men also have the ability to use calories to repair the damage the radiation does to their skin molecules. While no firm scientific experiments have been done on the glow, my personal estimates lead me to believe that about 15 seconds of glowing burns about 500 calories.

The reason that this has been kept hidden for so many years is the concern of what the radiation might do to someone who lacked the ability to utilize their excess calories to repair their skin. Usually men who can glow try to wait until they are alone to minimize the risk to others.

Ah-hah! You cry out, but I have seen many a man who is not only plump, but obese! Yes, this is true. We theorize that glowing is in some way a genetic trait, and more and more people are being born who lack the ability to glow. Research on this point is continuing at Swiss laboratories, but at this writing, no measurable progress has been attained.

Another glow side-effect that we have been noticing is that some men's ability to repair the damage the radiation does to their skin fails with regard to the area on the top of their head. In short, they start to go bald. Many men at this point will attempt to stop using the glow to burn calories. However, when faced with the choice of being bald or overweight, many choose to reverse their previous decision.

Revision:

In the time since I originally wrote this, there have been several disturbing developments in my life. Since graduating from college, my glow has weakened alarmingly, and no longer seems to have the potency it did in those bygone days. Numerous blood and tissue samples sent to top scientists (top men...) around the world have met with no success. If you have any information about how to counter this phenomena, please contact me immediately.